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by the Phillionaire Once upon a time, there was a little engine who impressed everyone by taking the birthday train over a steep mountain when no one thought he could. The little engine became an immediate celebrity and everyone wanted to be with him. Were his head not made of thick steel, it would have surely swelled to twice its normal size. Soon he was switching his catch phrase that made him famous from "I think I can" to "I know I can" and then later to "Everyone knows I can, so back off, bitch!" Even so, the people still loved him. The little engine was living the high life. Unfortunately, the little engine discovered alcohol and drugs, too. Pretty soon, all his real friends had left him and he was surrounded by moochers and groupies. His drinking got to be so bad that his girlfriends nicknamed him "The little engine with alcohol related performance issues." As time went on, the little engine's phone rang less and less and money was scarcer and scarcer. The little engine was depressed. Not wanting to be a casualty like all the other stars on "Where are they now" the little engine said "I wish I could end it all." Just then, a very important phone call came through. It was the mayor! N'sync and the Backstreet Boys were coming to town, and they wanted the little engine to take them over the steep mountain to the train station where all the fans were. "Hot Damn," thought the little engine. "Now's my chance to get back in the public eye!" The little engine told the mayor yes, and went to pick up the popular boy bands. The little engine arrived at the train station right on time and the bands climbed aboard. "Now all we have to do is go over that steep mountain," said the cute one from one of the bands, but no one was quite sure which band it was. "Don't give me that crap! I'm the engine that could!" said the little engine, but he wasn't feeling so sure. When he finally got to the hill he started saying "I think I can, I think I can." It started getting steeper and steeper and the engine said "I know I can, I know I can." He was almost at the top when he started saying "Holy Shit, what was I thinking? I can't do this! I want to go home!" With that, the little engine snorted all the cocaine he had in his possession, and downed a couple vat's of Thunderbird. The little engine was so blitzed that he forgot his fears and chugged over the top of the mountain and started down to the station at the bottom." "Hooray!" shouted the bands. "Hooray!" shouted the throngs of fans at the station, watching the train come down the mountain. But the little engine couldn't hear them because he was completely comatose. Without the little engine being awake, and starting to vomit, there was no one to slow his decent down the mountain. "Crap!" shouted the bands, in perfect harmony, as the train picked up speed. The train was going so fast that no one had time to react. Several hundred yards from the station, the little engine derailed, sending railcars flying into the crowd of fans, instantly killing hundreds and maiming thousands more. The mayor, who lost both legs in the incident, was royally pissed. He had the engine sent to prison, and then publicly executed. But in the end, the little engine got his wish. He was able to end it all, and get back into the public eye at the same time. MORAL: Don't be an asshole. --end-- |
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