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by the Phillionaire One bright morning in July, Alfie the Hamster was sitting in his favorite chair, reading "No Exit" by Sartre for his morning chuckle. Taking a long puff off of his scrimshaw pipe, Alfie mused at how nice today could be, were he not a hamster and, consequently, could only live for 2-3 years. "Opposable thumbs would be nice too," he mused. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Blast and Damnation!" shouted Alfie as he jumped at the sudden noise. Temporarily forgetting he could walk, Alfie slowly crawled toward the front door on his belly, wincing as splinters entered his adorable hamster body. When he stood and opened the door, he was shocked to see a witch at the door. Alfie had never seen a real witch before, but he was quite sure that this was the genuine article. Not only did she have a black pointy hat and a long crooked nose, but the most tell-tale sign, however, was the fact that she had "I am a witch" tattooed on her forhead. That's usually a dead give-away. "Pray tell, witch! What do you want of me?" queried Alfie, as he scraped the last remaining ashes out of the bowl of his pipe. He then repeated himself in Spanish, just in case. "What makes you think I'm a witch?" replied the stranger. "You can never judge a person by their looks." "Ummm... What about that tattoo on your forehead?" Alfie replied. "Oh, that? Ok... You got me. I'm a witch. But please! Call me Mindy." With that comment, she stuck out her hand for Alfie to shake. Alfie reluctantly grabbed her hand and shook it. It was colder than a used car salesman's heart, but not nearly as scaley. A sudden image of the Chrysler building flashed in front of Alfie's eyes, and then dissapeared from his memory, and oddly enough, this story. "May I come in?" asked Mindy. Mindy the Witch. That has a nice ring to it. Mindy the Witch... Mindy the Witch... With name like that she could have a great career in the textile industry. Alfie was a bit taken aback by Mindy's forward request. "I don't know. Crank Yankers is about to come on and I just swiffered the floor." Alfie smiled a weak smile, and nervously bit his finger. At least I think it was his. Mindy frowned at Alfie's hesitation. Although she was a witch, she did present herself as a lady of quality. She also had a new Buick with a bitchin' paint job in the driveway. What was wrong? "Maybe he's intimidated by my feminine power and charm" wondered Mindy. Actually, Alfie was repulsed by the bloated tick hanging from her nose. "Gross!" thought Alfie as he stared rudely at it. The tick just smiled and waved. "I have something I want to give you" said Mindy. She reached in her pocket and produced a cough drop. Lemon, I think. "Oops! Wrong item." She fished back into her pocket and this time returned a pencil sketch of comic great Alan Hale Jr. (from Gilligan's Island). "Drat!" she exclaimed. The third time she hit pay dirt. Then regular dirt. Finally, she pulled out a shiny gold coin. "This is a special coin. It has magic in it." Alfie took it from her gnarled fingers and studied it. "How do you open it? You know. To get to the magic?" "Listen to me, you Stupid Hamster©!" (Stupid Hamster© and all Stupid Hamster© products are the sole rights of Kinderwurst GmbH and may not be reproduced without permission from above mentioned company) "The magic is all throughout the coin. All one has to do is rub the coin and make a wish," explained Mindy. "You can wish for anything you want. Except for things flavored with mint. And curry. I haven't figured that one out yet." Alfie took the coin. He felt a slight shock when he grabbed it. Realizing that he was standing in a tub of water holding a hair dryer, he stepped out and looked at the coin. He read the inscription on the front of the coin. "Good for one free wish or car wash" stated the writing. "Just when I needed to wash my car, too. Damn!" though Alfie. Alfie looked up to thank the witch, but she had suddenly vanished. Actually, she was in her Buick pulling out as fast as she could, hoping Alfie hadn't noticed. As Mindy screeched down the road and out of sight, Alfie shut the door and sat back down in his chair. "Now, what to wish for?" A myriad of thoughts flashed through Alfie's mind, both beautiful and repugnant. Thoughts of world peace and solving hunger were tempered with images of humiliating prostitutes on national television. After what seemed like an hour, but was really only 58 minutes, Alfie had made up his mind. Seeing that he was halfway through his possible 3 year life span, Alfie decided he wanted to live longer. Gathering up his courage, and several moist towelettes, Alfie rubbed the coin. The coin glowed a brilliant green. Alfie was a bit stunned at first, then collected his wits. "I wish I could live forever!" shouted Alfie. The coin stopped glowing and Alfie fell to the floor. He missed at first, but when he finally reached the ground, Alfie could feel a strange power surging through his body. "I... I am eternal!" exclaimed Alfie. As a test, he leapt into the microwave and turned it on. As bolts of microwaves shot through Alfie's body, Alfie remained calm and unhurt. "Yes!!! I'm still alive," declared Alfie. "I will live forever! FOREVER!!" 10,000 A.D. (or thereabouts) As the latch on the outside of the microwave finally deteriorated away, Alfie was able to push his way out of his metal prison of 8000 yrs. Although he couldn't see what had happened, he was fairly sure that the large explosion he heard about 4000 years ago was the sound of an asteroid destroying all life forms on the planet. As his eyes adjusted to eight millennium of disuse, he could see that all that was left of Earth was a barren wastland of dirt and twisted metal. As Alfie sat on the remains of what must have been a shoelace factory and thought to himself about his situation. "This sucks!" thought Alfie. Moral: If you don't have them, always wish for opposable thumbs. --end-- |
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