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by the Phillionaire With all this fuss about France not fighting with the U.S. in Iraq and people making jokes, we should pause and try to think of what it is that the French do best. The first thing that usually comes to mind is food, mainly wine and cheese (and that thing with snails that I don't want to talk about). "What is wine?" you may ask. Basically, wine is old grape juice. Really old grape juice. Old enough that little organisms living in the juice start eating the sugar, and then excrete (yes, excrete) alcohol, or something like that. So, basically, wine is grape juice gone bad with yeast poop in it. One day, someone left their grape juice out way too long, and decided to drink it anyway and say, "Hey, this is terrible. I think I'll have another!" At any rate, the French maintain that their old grape juice is the best in the world. In fact, they even view wine as something other than a source of getting drunk. In fact, some so called "wine tasters" actually spit out the wine after they've tasted it. I would too. It's grape juice gone bad. If I had a 10 year old bottle of Pepsi that tasted rotten, I would have the tendency to throw it out, and not label it and try to sell it for $4 a glass. I personally prefer the Mexican attitude when it comes to alcohol. The most popular Mexican drink is Tequila. This stuff taste terrible, burns your throat, makes you hurl, and absolutely guarantees a painful hangover, but it does what it's supposed to without pretending to be some kind of sophisticated cultural experience. And it's cheap. Now, what do most Frenchmen eat with their wine? Cheese, of course. And cheese is made from, you guessed it, really old milk. If you've ever thrown out an old carton of milk because it was lumpy, you haven't waited long enough. A few more months and you have some cheese. Not necessarily tasty cheese, but something that resembles cheese. What makes cheese taste better (in some people's opinion) is what is added to the lumpy old milk. For instance, Roquefort cheese adds mold. According to legend, a shepherd in Roquefort left his cheese sandwich in a cave. After a few months, he rediscovered it, which by now was riddled with mold. And then he, get this - HE ATE IT ANYWAY. I may keep leftovers a little long, but I don't do taste tests on them when they change color. So now Roquefort cheese is considered a delicacy, and not milk gone bad and festering with mold. And France makes this better than any place else! And old sour grape juice is considered to be the drinks of sophisticates everywhere. Be proud, France. We may make fun of you not wanting to fight, but you have shown us your bravery. Maybe not on the battlefield, but bravery in drinking and eating really gross stuff (even snails) long before fear factor was even conceived. For that we are eternally grateful. --end-- |
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